


My Kyungsoo

by kaelyngrey



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Begging, Betrayal, Denial, Gen, Jealousy, Letters, Loss, M/M, Memory Loss, Past Love, Regret, blame, can we be friends, no more happily ever after
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-04-05 03:20:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14035059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaelyngrey/pseuds/kaelyngrey
Summary: I've worked at this lame ass job for two hundred and thirty seven days. I'm tired. Day in and day out. It's the exact same thing. The same four walls. The same assembly line. The same pressed piece. All so that I may see you for a few precious hours each day. Not that you remember who I am or...what we were.Kaisoo.





	My Kyungsoo

**Author's Note:**

> This story is inspired by Evanescence's "My Immortal". Oneshot. It was inspired by affxtionatexol's "Anterograde Tomorrow" which is an evil and heartbreaking fic that can be found here (https://www.wattpad.com/story/38615723-anterograde-tomorrow) and that I HIGHLY recommend. *BRING TISSUES*

_"I'm so tired of being here."_

I've worked at this lame ass job for two hundred and thirty seven days. I'm tired. Day in and day out. It's the exact same thing. The same four walls. The same assembly line. The same pressed piece. All so that I may see you for a few precious hours each day. Not that you remember who I am or...what we were.

* * *

_"Suppressed by all my childish fears."_

My eomma would always beg me to find a good girl and settle down. I told her I didn't like girls. She didn't speak to me for a while after that. Then she told me to find a nice boy and settle down. I told her idols didn't settle. She told me to get over my fears. Not everyone was like...him.

My father left us when I was nine. He was ashamed of the pretty boy he had for a son. I bet he wishes he hadn't left now. Pretty boy indeed.

Kyungsoo...my hyung...YOU are pretty. Beautiful even. You always have been. To me anyway.

* * *

_"And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave, 'Cause your presence still lingers here, And it won't leave me alone."_

The hardest part, I think, is that you remember everyone else now. But not me. Never me. You moved into the dorms so that our brothers could care for you and I am left in the house we once shared. Alone.

Your toothbrush still sits in the cup on the sink. Your favorite shirt still hangs in the closet in our room. The picture from the day before is still taped to the fridge. I cannot bring myself to let you go and yet...it is killing me to keep holding on.

The only mention of me in the scrapbook you hold so dear is "Lee Kaito. Dancer. EXO-K. Newest Group Member.". Our group has been on hiatus for a year now. All because of me. Because I was selfsh, and cruel, and led you to a fate worse than death.

 **Anterograde Amnesia**.

**_Everything you learn today you will forget tomorrow._ **

* * *

_"These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase."_

If I could go back and do it all again...

Things will never go back to how they were before. I have done so much wrong to you that my actions are unforgivable. I know this now. I think it is why I am the only one you do not remember. It isn't that you CAN NOT. It is that you WILL NOT.

* * *

_"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears. And I held your hand through all of these years,But you still have all of me."_

I have CHANGED Kyungsoo! Can you not see that? I have kept my comments to myself. Held my hurt within. Cried when no one else could see. And yet...you do not favor me the same as you do the others. I am tolerated yes, but...it is with a cold regard. Sometimes I wonder...

Why can't you see that I'm waiting for you? Why won't you come back to me? I cannot do this. I cannot leave. But I cannot stay.

I know I did you wrong. I threw away your concerns and laughed at your fears. I pushed away your comfort and drug you through the mud for my own selfish whims. But I need you now. I always have. I fear I always will.

* * *

_"You used to captivate me by your resonating light, Now I'm bound by the life you left behind."_

So many questions run through my head. How will I survive? Why will you not be here for me? Who will hold me when I cry for you? Who will calm me when you come to haunt me in my dreams?

You are still the kindest soul that I know. So understanding. So forgiving. Your smile is as a beacon of light. A sign of hope for all the good still left in this world. It is painful and glorious to see. But now it seems as though your light shines for someone else. All I can do is sit here and watch. Replay with painful clarity a time when it was you and I who would do those things. Remind myself with an almost electric jolt that had I not done the horrid things I did, that could be us still.

* * *

_"Your face—it haunts my once pleasant dreams."_

The memories of the time we spent together haunt me; oppress me. I don't think I'll ever be able to let you go, not when you hover so close, yet at a distance. Your body is here; firm and warm, but your mind is not. Even though you are starting to remember more and more you have not remembered me in four hundred and eighty seven days. I think you are truly lost to me now.

* * *

_"Your voice—it chased away all the sanity in me."_

You were the singer and I was the dancer and together, we were one. Now he dances for you, and you sing for him, and I slowly feel myself going insane.

I screamed at you today, my Kyungsoo. Told you he wasn't good for you. That he was using you to get back at me. I didn't realize Tao could hit so hard. I never even thought that he would. But we all protect our brothers, even from eachother, and in an uncontrolled moment of anger and grief, I had hurt two of mine...

We are all pretty sure that come tomorrow you won't remember any of this, and Lay has offered to heal my jaw for your sake, but he will always remember the lie I told on him, and no matter how forgiving he can be, I have crossed a line that he will never forget.

* * *

_"I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone, But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along."_

It has been five years, Kyungsoo, and you have not come back to me. I have finally accepted the fact that you never will. You may be here in body, and your soul may shine as bright as ever,but your mind is forever lost to me, and I fear that now I must move on. You will always have a piece of my heart, even if I do not hold a piece of yours, but...I have finally found someone new. And you...have fully moved on it seems. A long time ago if I stop and admit the truth. I am happy for you. Truly. I only hope that you can be happy for me as well. He is good to me. He understands and accepts me, and I am finally able to do the same for him. l can ask for no better. But I will still be here for you, for I have never really left. Until you draw your last breath.  _ **Always.**_

**fin**


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